Word count: ~400
Reading time: ~3 minutes
I'm in a gnoll shift right now. Have been for a few days. And it's suppressing my bison and Ben facets.
Before my fictionkind awakening, these shifts weren't an issue. I have always been comfortable letting my bison-side take a backseat to my gnoll-side. I trust that my bison-side will be there once my gnoll-side ebbs again. It's normal for these identities to ebb and flow.
But for some reason I've never had the same kind of trust in my fictionkinity. My awakening was very rapid, literally from one day to the other. I was ready to kinfirm the moment I awakened. And when I came out of that first overpowering, all-consuming shift, I was afraid that I'd been wrong to kinfirm so early.
So perhaps it's not my fictionkinity I distrust - maybe my own judgement is the problem. Perhaps I'm afraid, even after all these years, that I've misjudged my relationship with Ben, that every ebb is a sign that it was really just a flickershift all along.
It mirrors my experience with gender, somewhat. I'm genderfluid, but it took a long time for me to realize, because every time my gender identity flowed back to my AGAB, I would convince myself that the dysphoria/euphoria had all been a figment of my imagination.
The ebb and flow of my fictionkinity mirrors my genderfluidity by quite literally being its mirror image - its reverse, its counterpart, its evil twin. I rejected my gender for years. I wholeheartedly embraced my fictionkinity the moment it appeared. A smothering embrace. Never allowing it to flow at its own pace, always reinforcing it, forcing it back the moment it ebbed.
And just like the denial of my genderfluidity set my development back for years, the leashing of my fictionkinity is a hindrance more than an aid.
So why can't I let go? It's been over 3 years since I awakened (3 years and 3 months to be exact). It would have to be one hell of a flicker to last that long. And even if it turns out to be a flicker, why am I so afraid of that outcome? My fictionkinity wouldn't disappear if it still served me - if it disappeared, it would be because it had stopped serving me.
Why is it more comforting to
Why am I, as a shapeshifter, so afraid of change?